Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Iceberg, Dead Ahead

Given the way I've been carrying myself lately, I feel like the iceberg analogy is pretty apt.

There's just a lot I'm dragging beneath the surface. Other than a few minutes with a few friends, I really haven't had one of those "moments" where I ramble about feelings.

People new and people old have been great with reaching out and offering to listen.

But, I'm not even really sure what I'd say. I guess it would sound something like the following...

I still feel like I am getting the run around from Dad about Mom's condition. In winding generalities, he glazes over her serious, though treatable, condition. I just can't bring myself to ask the hard questions...

How far has the cancer spread?

Why isn't surgery the primary treatment?

What's the prognosis?

I'm not even sure that I want to know the answer to these questions. What he's not saying speaks just as loudly. God bless Mom, though. She's able to laugh about the situation somehow. I only pray that continues into chemotherapy.

She's been to a different doctor just about every day this week. Specialists at Sloan Kettering. Researchers at Penn. Testing on the Island. This is her and our reality now. Only fools curse at the dark. I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I'm just going to burn furiously with positivity. She's seeing unbelievable physicians. She's got a great support system. The rest is out of our hands.

The traditional raincloud of petty gripes is what I really can't deal with. I wouldn't ever force my recent epiphany of perspective onto those around me. But, it sure does make it hard for me to commiserate.

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