Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Reality Check

In general, I don't sweat the small stuff. I find it a waste of time that serves no useful purpose. So, I don't know if I can genuinely call today a return to reality. But, I will.

How can I possibly be expected to care at all about my "burden" of making grades and finding jobs with Mom now bearing the actual burden of a tumor? I could care less about being allowed to flood large, prestigious law firms with lavender scented resumes at midnight tonight.

My mind and heart are elsewhere.

She wasn't even planning on telling me about it. Still, I could sense something was wrong. I pressed the issue until, finally, she relented.

Mom did all she could to allay my concerns. She said that the tumor was "probably" operable and "likely" benign. I guess that these are "positive" signs...

She sounded surprisingly upbeat and things for a second seemed normal again. But, that veil was quickly lifted when she began to poetically wax about the future "should things go wrong." When she reminded me that she had lost both of her parents at an age younger than I am now, I gave up on having a productive day. I really wish I could be there for her right now. I feel helpless, though I don't know what I can do to help.

Why do I feel guilty going on with life here as if things are normal?


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